It was a hot summer day on the coast of Croatia, where there is certainly no lack of vitality or lust. Dozens of kids are running around on the quest for new found adrenaline, men’s board shorts are often too startlingly short, and mother’s are shoo-ing their motherly responsibilities away with one hand, while a shameless and probably well deserved Passion Fruit mimosa is in the other.
The sun hasn’t failed it’s mission for the whole week, and was remaining vigilant, strong, and as bright as can be. I lay on a beach bed which I find to be quite damp with the inevitable mixture of sweat, salt water and sunscreen that are making my skin sparkly and slippery. My AirPods are trying their best to overcome the roaring sounds of exhilaration that surround me. On the bedside table next to me is my very essential tanning oil, sunscreen, a way less deserved Passion Fruit mimosa and a water bottle which was unable to survive the sun, perspiring outside itself and warmer than I’d like to admit to myself. The book in my hands was falling short of keeping me engrossed, due to the very stimulating environment just beyond the pages. I subtly bend the top corner of the page I decided to give up on for now, take my AirPods out and tuck them away into my backpack, making sure to bury my phone under everything in hopes to prevent that annoying overheating warning alert.
I set path to the water, walking over burning hot rocks (that are not smooth) in place of the delicate, warm sand that I’m accustomed to from back home. The ocean is calm, with few swells, but abundant in salt. It’s the perfect temperature to cool you down, but leaving you without any shiver when slowly integrating yourself in, step by step. I stop stepping. I stop, I stare, I take a breath, and I dive.
Suddenly, I am free. I am alone. And I am feeling a sense of liberation, maybe independence that seems quite indescribable, something I may have never felt before, or at least allowed myself to. I come up for air, instantly returning to the turbulent sounds of screams and laughs from strangers. I wiped my eyes dry, which were burning from the overload of salt, looked around, took a breath and went under and once again the noise had drowned itself out as I submerged myself into the water, leaving me in utter peace. I swim, I twist and I turn, I sink, and I rise. Going under and above, under and above in a way that felt almost instinctual, without much thought. I felt like the only person in the world, until I’d come back up for air. And yet, all the meanwhile, feeling so incredibly small, knowing I’m not taking up any room in this Ocean no matter how at home I may feel. Both of these feelings, which may be the definition of an absolute contradiction, are exactly what I’m living for.
I’ve tried floating above water, how most people seem to do effortlessly while laying flat, for what feels like my whole life and have always failed. I’d practice during my pool days in the backyard with my family. Resting my feet on the edge of the pool as an anchor, just to get the feel of it. My step mom would try to “spot” me, but as soon as she’d pull her hands away from underneath me, I’d practically drown. You’d think since I’ve never weighed more than about 100 pounds it would be easy right, like what is there to keep up? But, despite all of my efforts, summer after summer, spot after spot, I’d drown.
That day, I was floating, with no effort whatsoever. I was staring up at the sun, squinting, while leaving my ears best under water I could to escape the raucous and instead hear the water which lays beneath me. I could’ve laid there forever. Oh, how I knew I’d crave this moment forever. This feeling of uttermost bliss and peace. The undeniable feeling of the rays hitting my skin, knowing I would feel that pain during my shower later that night. The way my hair was flowing, so soft, so free, weightless. I felt so soft, so free, and so weightless.
For those few minutes, I had no thoughts. I was fully allowing myself to just be. I had nowhere else to be, nobody else to listen to, and nothing else to be doing. The only thought I remember that crossed my mind while I was swimming back and forth, floating or sinking, was I’d like this feeling to last forever. I would be okay with that.
To this day, no matter where I am, I find myself swimming in that ocean. At any given moment, I can close my eyes and feel the soft water on my face, with the sun and its warmth penetrating through the slight waves. I find myself in that moment often, anytime I’m looking to escape the sound. I close my eyes, and I’m under water, twisting and turning swiftly. Feeling like the only person alive, while simultaneously feeling so small, shrinking my own thoughts and worries, letting them drift away with the water.
I had found my everlasting moment of serenity, and I continue to dive deep into it. I think I always will. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and I’m underwater.