If you’ve ever had the absolute joy of sharing space or time with me, you’ve heard me say “Happy Birthday” to absolutely no one. Completely out of nowhere. It’s my go-to line. It’s perfect when you are greeting someone excitedly. It’s the best when you feel awkward so you purposely do something awkward to hopefully ease some tension. It’s funny when handing someone an unwarranted object. The energy of those two words fit in seamlessly when you’re told something exciting, or unexciting (for sarcastic purposes). I’ve even said it to complete strangers within a few, brief, passing moments. I figure have a 1/365 chance, right? The short, sweet phrase invites a smile every time. Maybe some confusion, but definitely a promised smile.
“Happy Birthday” is always a great go-to.
And with that, finally a very Happy Birthday! to me!
It’s a bit more acceptable today to exclaim than any other day.
I remember my first day of middle school, when I was exactly half my age today. I sat there thinking “this is never going to end”.
First period would never end. This school year will never end. I still have 3 years of middle school and then 4 years of highschool!!! This is going to take forever!!!!
Little did I know! It all went by in a blink of the eye.
I never believed adults when they warned us. That “it goes by so fast, you’ll be old like me before you know it” speech followed with deep sighs and waving “you don’t know what you’re talking about” hands, and eye rolls in disbelief, never settled with me. I enjoy being in the midst of pure youth. Invincible from wrinkles and responsibility. The lack of seriousness and meal prepping.
I never wanted to believe life and time could run away with each other so fast. Hand in hand, picking up their speed every year. I expect the duo to have excellent cardio and spectacular legs, going at this rate. Gold medalists. Maybe meta-lists I should say, oh my gosh I’m wittier by the second.
Year after year I countdown the days to my birthday simply because I can and it gives me something to look forward to. I only let myself start on May 1st, One month and two weeks. The next time I’d follow up is May 14th. Exactly one month. I look forward to the same day every year and always make sure to have a little day of celebration. To celebrate life. Celebrate the past and the future. Celebrate the present moment. Celebrate me, and all of the versions of me.
I think I like looking forward to my birthday more than the real day itself. The days leading up to it are in comparison to ending a book. That bittersweet finale summary and goodbyes to characters that became your world for a week. You say goodbye as quickly as you say hello. Putting one book down, then picking up the next to begin a whole new story, meeting all new friends.
When I refer to my time in 21, the story can now no longer be adjusted. “Last few days, this is it” type feeling. Maybe I just like a good reason to be dramatic for a second.
This was the story of my year:
Twenty-one has brought me a breath. I found myself in more solitude than ever, all on my own accord. Driving to no music, listening to the still world around me, and retreating into my own fostered habitat. Ive craved my own undivided attention, and finally let myself have that. This year I learned to choose and keep friends based on how you feel about yourself when you’re with them. I learned how to be a good friend while no longer being a close friend. I’ve began setting boundaries with myself and with others. I realized I value family more than I knew, but the gentle reminder to not get too attached will always let itself in. I practiced detachment. I get to choose who I am and nobody else. But not getting so wrapped up in the idea of identity either. I can now distinguish ego when I see it, look it in it’s face and say kindly shut the fuck up. I allow myself the room for bad days and good days, understanding everything is temporary, even the loudest of feelings. I learned you don’t need to go clothes shopping frequently to have a style. You just need to be inventive and courageous. I chose ‘Unwritten’ by Natasha Bedingford to be my life song. I gained confidence in myself and tried out modeling for fun. I stopped using heat on my hair and slowly started Viking with my own natural wave patterns. I’ve made so many new friends, and left a few behind. I booked my first way one way ticket and found myself the furthest away from home I’ve ever been, while feeling the most at home I’ve ever felt. I learned reading will always be the best vacation. And that fiction will continue to be my favorite getaway. I accepted that I don’t like driving in the rain, and I’m really sensitive in the mornings. I’ve experienced the most deep, meditative state within my own mind this year. I’ve formed a bond with my huge water bottle that I carry around daily, and she has been my savior through all moments of anxiety, headaches, workouts, and hangovers. There hasn’t been many hangovers in 21. Less than every other year probably. I learned to only say yes to what excites me. I said yes to so many crazy experiences that I will forever cherish, and no to things that didn’t feed my soul. I accepted my bare face and find it solemn to put on makeup. First I became love, then I gave love, and now I am in the process of allowing myself to be loved.
I am constantly learning all of these new things about myself in the midst of these silent car rides, slow mornings, and lonely evenings. I am blessed to be faced with a new version of myself today, that I have no choice but to accept and grow into to see who she becomes.
Twenty-One was my year of assessment.
Twenty-Two will be my year of action.
An old man said to me today “I hope you have as great of a life as I did! I’ve lived the best life!” And Sir, I really hope I do. Here’s to another birthday. A new year, a new chapter, a new version, a new story. And for now we keep on writing, celebrating, learning, experiencing, feeling and loving. Living.
Chapter 22 is now on it’s first page and I am intrigued where the story will take me.
Only time can tell…
…If we can ever catch up to that mf
(Fun fact: My moon is in Sagittarius, and the moon will be in the sign of Sagittarius on my birthday, a full moon going direct at 6:14 pm. 6/14 is my birthdate. Is this my full circle birthday??)